How should you talk to your teenage daughter about dating violence?

One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of some form of dating abuse, whether physical, sexual, verbal or emotional. Although both boys and girls can be victims as well as abusers, teenage girls are still the majority of dating violence victims, with one quarter of high school girls having experienced physical or sexual abuse at the hands of a dating partner.

Given the high incidence of dating violence among teenage girls, the purpose of this article is to provide practical guidance to parents on how to talk about dating violence with their daughters and help ensure they are making safe decisions about dating. Choosing to focus on dating violence prevention among teenage girls certainly does not mean that discussing these topics with your teenage son is unnecessary or insignificant. Much of this guidance also can be used to talk with your teenage son about this critical topic.
As a parent, realizing how common dating violence is in our country can be extremely concerning or even shocking to read. Forbidding your daughter to date until she is out of high school may seem like the best option to ensure that she is safe in this unpredictable world of adolescent intimate relationships. Yet, in reading about the reality of teenage dating violence, don’t forget that healthy dating is actually a positive, exciting and special part of being a teenager.

Dating plays a significant role in your teenage daughter’s (and son’s) development. By dating, your teenager will learn more about important values and social skills, such as trust, communication, responsibility, caring and loyalty, among others.

By engaging in healthy, safe dating, your daughter is not only gaining a better understanding about herself and relationships, she is also hopefully building confidence and gaining knowledge about the qualities she wants in a partner. Talking to your daughter about dating violence will help her in this process by facilitating her learning of what dating violence is, how often it occurs and who can experience it. Additionally, communicating about dating can help teach her how to recognize the difference between healthy versus harmful dating behaviors, as well as show her she can feel comfortable talking to you–her parent–about dating.


Do

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  • create an atmosphere for communication
  • discuss gender roles, power and control in relationships
  • talk about dating “red flags” and how to recognize them
  • encourage your daughter to trust and assert herself
  • develop a plan for your daughter to stay safe
Don't

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  • judge or criticize
  • shy away from discussing sexual assault and rape
  • believe your daughter must be dating for you to discuss this topic
  • be a know it all
  • pressure your daughter to talk if she is not ready

[publishpress_authors_data]'s recommendation to ExpertBeacon readers: Do

Do create an atmosphere for communication

When having a conversation with your daughter about dating violence, try to find a time and place that has few distractions or interruptions. Let your daughter know from the onset why you want to talk to her about dating violence. Is it to educate her so that she can make safe decisions about dating? Is it to let her know that she can come to you to talk about dating? Whatever your reason/s, telling her why you think talking about dating violence with her is important sets the stage for the conversation.

Begin by encouraging your daughter to tell you her opinions and ideas about dating, and in turn, tell her your perspectives. When your daughter is speaking, listen carefully and try not to interrupt her. Praise her for expressing herself to you, and ask questions so you can get a better idea of where she is coming from. Be open to what your daughter has to say and respect her opinions even if they differ from yours.

Do discuss gender roles, power and control in relationships

Although women are now fulfilling increasingly diverse roles in society, the stereotypical ideas society and the media portray about how women and men are “supposed to be” and how they should interact in intimate relationships continue to have a significant influence on individuals, especially adolescents.

Stereotyped gender roles of women in the media send messages to teenage girls that their appearance–and not their personality or intelligence–is what matters most in getting a date, or that dating partners prefer girls who act passive or emphasize their sexuality.

Gender stereotypes can lead teenage girls to criticize their own looks, question their self-esteem and let their dating partners control or mistreat them. Get to know what your daughter’s views are about gender roles, especially how she thinks teenage girls like herself should act in relationships. Discuss common portrayals of women in the media and whether those portrayals are accurate or fair. Ask questions such as, How can gender roles influence who has the most power or control in a relationship? What does it mean to have an egalitarian relationship vs. a relationship where one partner is the main “boss”? Asking these questions can help your daughter define how she wants to be treated by a dating partner, while also allowing her to reflect on her self-worth as a young woman.

Do talk about dating “red flags” and how to recognize them

Dating “red flags” are words or actions said or done by one dating partner that signal to the other partner that their interactions are risky or possibly unsafe. Physical and sexual red flags may be more obvious to detect in a dating context, whereas psychological abuse or control methods–things said or done to control one’s partner–are often more subtle. Psychological abuse and control methods are usually the first sign that something is wrong in a dating situation. If not addressed, they can lead to more severe forms of physical or sexual violence.

Identify and discuss several examples of psychological abuse and control methods with your daughter. For example, lying, spreading rumors, ignoring feelings or isolating a dating partner from others are all considered psychological abuse. Following abuse with romance or kindness, or attempting to convince one’s dating partner that no one else would date him/her are examples of control methods. The more examples of dating red flags you and your daughter can identify and discuss, the more your daughter will be prepared to recognize and respond to these risky words or actions if they come up while she is on a date.

Do encourage your daughter to trust and assert herself

We live in a society that often does not encourage young females to assert themselves as much as it encourages young males to do so. As a result, teenage girls who show confidence, strength or conviction can end up being labeled as “bossy” or with even worse adjectives.

Talk with your daughter about different ways she can respond assertively if she feels disrespected by a dating partner, such as, “Please don’t touch my waist like that, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” Knowing common dating red flags can help your daughter recognize risk while on a date, but trusting her instincts can often go just as far in keeping her safe.

Remind your daughter to pay attention to the natural signals that her body sends to let her know that a dating situation is risky or unsafe, such as having a “pit” in her stomach, sweaty palms or an uneasy feeling. If your daughter mentions being concerned about how her dating partner or peers will respond if she asserts herself, remind her that the people who are worth her associating with will respect her boundaries and will think highly of her for being confident enough to stick up for herself.

Do develop a plan for your daughter to stay safe

First, discuss the difference between scenarios where your daughter may be able to successfully de-escalate a situation–such as an argument where your daughter does not feel threatened or disrespected–versus scenarios where your daughter is clearly unsafe–such as an argument where your daughter is threatened or shoved.

It is important to note that even if a dating situation does not seem highly escalated, if your daughter feels uncomfortable or unsafe, she should always trust her instincts. In these more urgent situations, your daughter should leave her date and the place where she is, and call you or another trusted adult immediately. If she does not have the means to get home on her own, she should go to the nearest public place where she feels safe, and wait while keeping someone on the phone until she is in the presence of you or another trusted person. If her partner is preventing her from leaving or following her, she should call 911 or go to a local police station.

Your daughter should never have to suffer from dating violence in silence. Hopefully, she will never have such an experience. But if she does, you should encourage her talk about her experience with you, a supportive friend or family member, and/or a psychotherapist when she is ready. The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) are useful resources for survivors of dating violence and their families.


[publishpress_authors_data]'s professional advice to ExpertBeacon readers: Don't

Do not judge or criticize

This may seem obvious, but all too often, teenagers feel like their parents are judging or criticizing their perspectives–even if this is not your intention. If your daughter perceives that you are judging or criticizing her, this can cause a serious breakdown in communication, which can prevent you two from having an honest and supportive conversation about dating violence.

You may disagree with some of your daughter’s ideas or opinions about dating, and that is okay. It is the way you express yourself towards her that matters most. Try to explain why you disagree in a way that shows respect, compassion and understanding of her opinions. Be careful not to discount her perspectives or simply label them as wrong. Be aware of your body language, sarcasm or jokes. Sometimes, a seemingly playful joke or the direction you are facing when your daughter is talking can make her think that you are are not interested or not taking what she has to say seriously.

Do not shy away from discussing sexual assault and rape

While discussing sexual assault and rape with your daughter may initially feel like a bad version of the birds and the bees talk, talking about sexual violence in an open, matter-of-fact manner with your daughter is an essential component of dating violence prevention.

We all would like to think that sexual violence is uncommon among teenagers, but in reality, 12 percent of adolescent girls between the ages of twelve and thirteen have already experienced sexual abuse from a dating partner. Therefore, the conversation about sexual violence cannot be swept under the rug. The topic of rape and sexual assault can be integrated into your discussions about power and control in relationships or how to recognize dating red flags. Discuss alcohol use and date rape drugs, and clarify commonly held myths about sexual violence. For example, is it true that a girl resists sex even if she wants to have it because that is what her boyfriend expects?

Do not believe your daughter must be dating for you to discuss this topic

Making the decision to talk to your daughter about dating violence before she has started dating is actually prevention at its finest. Often adolescents as young as twelve or thirteen start dating informally by meeting up in groups at the mall, movies or a school dance.

If your daughter is not dating now, she could be soon, and talking to her ahead of time can prepare her by giving her an idea about what dating interactions can be like, both the good and bad. Plus, talking to your daughter when she is in middle school opens up lines of communication by showing her that she can talk to you about her dating perspectives.

Do not be a know it all

As an adult, you obviously have much more knowledge and experience with dating and relationships than your daughter. Yet, merely imparting your knowledge and wisdom about dating on your daughter–especially in a lecture format–will not get you far if your goal is to have a truly open conversation about dating violence and safety.

Dating practices and norms can change significantly across generations. In order to relate to your daughter on her level, you must learn how she views dating and relationships before assuming that your knowledge and advice about dating will apply to her as a teenager growing up in a different generation. Let your daughter teach you about dating just as much as you teach her.

To learn more about how your daughter views dating, try comparing answers to common questions about dating, such as what words are used for dating? And how do teens ask each other out on dates? Also discuss your ideas about who you would like your daughter to date versus her ideas about her ideal date.

Do not pressure your daughter to talk if she is not ready

Regardless of what her reason may be, if your daughter does not want to have a conversation about dating violence, let her know that you respect her wishes and need for space. You could ask her (in a non-pressuring manner) why she does not feel comfortable talking with you about dating violence. Once you understand her reasons for not wanting to talk, you can clarify your goals for the conversation.

If your daughter does eventually agree to talk, let her lead the conversation. Listen to her intently and paraphrase what she says back to her to show that you were listening and understand. Make encouraging comments and ask non-judgmental questions to reinforce her for taking the leap in talking with you.


Summary

Make the conscientious decision to discuss dating violence with your daughter as early as possible. By having these conversations with your daughter, she will become educated about what dating violence is, how to recognize it, and how to assert herself and keep herself safe. Most importantly, she will be more confident dating and forming healthy relationships, knowing that you–her parent– understands her perspectives about dating and is there to support her.

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